The Integrity of Communication Requires Empathetic Listening

Integrity of Communication by Irene Becker© 2005 Irene Becker
Irene Becker is a certified coach and Chief Success Officer of Just Coach It. She specializes in transformational change, communication, leadership and empowerment. You can visit JCI on the web at http://www.allhottips.com


In order to be purposeful communicators who can disengage stress and re-engage rapport, we need to recognize that the integrity and impact of our communication does not depend as much on how well we can speak. The most important communication skill that we have is not what we say but how well we hear.

Integrity of communication requires empathetic listening. The communicator must step back and become a participant observer in the conversation. He/she must be proactive and not reactive, as ego wars start to brew when emotions rise to the surface, cloud reason and produce the biologically triggered fight or flight reaction. The face is one of the best places to observe this reaction because the face's musculature, blood flow and nerve developments are complicated and finely tuned to our emotional state of being.

Empathetic listening is the basis for the integrity of communication that facilitates rapport and understanding. It is a conduit for collaboration because it models:

o maturity
o non-judgment
o authenticity
o open, honest and direct in their dealings with others
o clear and uncompromised values, and clarity
o commitment
o congruence
o principled, honorable, fair, accountable and responsible speech

When integrity of communication is absent
Newspapers are full of stories of people who demonstrate little integrity in their actions and dealings with others, and how they damage others' wellbeing and livelihoods. Lack of integrity in communication damages communication and rapport. It happens when egos and emotions collide and either or both parties get into a head and heart lock that creates emotional soup of ego, stress, anger and frustration. Reason flies out the window as speakers and listeners become polarized in combatative conversation that is focused on making their position understood or dominating the conversation in order to win.

The greatest fallout is lack of integrity communication is the loss of trust. And when this happens a vacuum created. Trust is lost, communication and rapport decline and suspicion and paranoia thrive and present themselves as:

1. Poor listening skills
2. Decline in communication
3. Stereotyping
4. Power struggle
5. Intimidation
6. Inability or lack of desire to understand the other party
7. Avoiding the issues
8. Inaccurate assumptions
9. Low self-concept or arrogance
10. Defensiveness and anger
Empathetic Listening is Critical to Integrity of Communication
We must do our best to see that emotional fallout that does not occur in communication. Trust is an incredibly precious commodity, and is always the first casualty when communication is damaged. Goleman, Boyatzis and McKee (you may be familiar with Goleman's work on emotional intelligence) conclude that transparency---an authentic openness to others about one's feelings, beliefs and actions---This authentic openness cannot be modeled without empathetic listening.
Empathetic listening means using our two ears more than we use our mouth. It requires a new perspective that allows us to remove the hat of judgment and become a participant observer in communication. It also requires the empathetic listener to be the one who always seeks to understand.

Integrity of Communication in Action
Competitive listening is a detriment to resolving conflict. It fuels the fires of conflict and miscommunication and must be discouraged and disengaged. Take a look at the following diagram to better understand competitive listening and the reasons for the listener's approach.
Active listening is important, but it is not enough because to ignite the mutual understanding and rapport that is realized when we listen with empathy. There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. This distinction is the difference between active listening and empathetic listening. The empathetic listener has the ability to understand the perspectives and feelings of all parties and to listen and communicate without judgment.
Being an empathetic listener requires a new focus. The best way to center and align this new focus is to take a few deep cleansing breaths and remind yourself that listening without judgment is your first priority.
Here are Three Important Ways to Help YOU Set the Foundation for Empathetic Listening
1. Attending Skills
a) Keep the posture/body language of physical involvement. Incline your body slightly towards the speaker, focus on the speaker and maintain an open body position.
b) Model body motions and eye contact that let the speaker know that you are paying attention.
c) Do not make any distracting movements or noises
2. Following Skills
a) Listen twice as much as you speak
b) Invite the speaker to continue talking
c) Use silence to give the speaker time to decide whether he/she wants to continue talking
d) Use words that encourage communication
3. Reflecting Skills
a) Paraphrasing and restating what you believe the speaker said so that you communication is clear.
b) Listen and hear so YOU can identify shared goals also areas of conflict that must be addressed.
c) Do not allow competitive conversation to continue.

Integrity of communication is not easy at the best of time, as human emotions get right in the middle of our ability to listen and to communicate. But, if we want to mediate problems or conflicts we require more than courageous patience and focus. We need to learn to turn on the core communication skill that is most important to conflict resolution...and that skill is empathetic listening. As Epictetus, a Greek sage and master of dialogue said "Nature has given to us one tongue, but two ears, that you may hear from others twice as much as you speak."

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